This month, I’ve been participating in Camp NaNoWriMo. My only goal was to write 500 words per day. My challenge was to ignore the lack of a muse and put words on paper no matter what.
Overall, I’ve met the challenge. I’ve managed to create some decent writing on many days. Amidst the blogs, flash fiction and completing an assignment for my cousin, want to know what I was happiest about? When a poem came pouring out.
It didn’t come in finished form as many poems I’ve created in the past have done. I had to filter through my stream of consciousness writings and musings to find the pearls. Then I had to form it into a rhythm and pattern. When I posted the final stanza (you won’t see it here because it was part of the earliest creation), I had several worried comments.
“But you know you have everything in Christ, right?” One caring friend wrote.
Yes. Yes, my head knows lots of facts. Poetry isn’t about what the head knows. It’s about what the heart FEELS. Or at least the best poetry is.
The foundational phrase “I’ve got nothing” came from my prayer time that Monday morning. I sat there, staring at my journal filled with circles. I had plenty of burdens. I needed SO MUCH from the Lord. And I trusted that He wanted to give me the best.
But as I sat there with my heart open, all I could think and say was, “I’ve got nothing, Lord.”
And so this poem was born.
Nothing
I’ve got nothing.
My hands are empty.
My heart lies beneath the detritus of a world destroyed.
If only I could breathe under this ocean of separation.
I’ve got nothing.
Sleep and peace elude me.
Weight presses on my chest like the cat burrowed in my hair.
My body swelters and twitches, an inferno I can’t escape.
I’ve got nothing.
Scripture goes in one ear and out the other.
Fiction denies escape with a “Do Not Enter” sign.
The cacophony of silence imprisons my soul.
I’ve got nothing.
But I have everything I need.
Air to breathe. Food to eat. A healthy body.
Shelter with all its comforts and companions to love.
I’ve got nothing.
Yet my name is written in Heaven.
Jesus lives to intercede on my behalf.
His love remains unconditional and eternal.
I’ve got nothing.
Not even a purpose or a plan.
Not even faith to believe what I know.
Not even will to push away the web immobilizing my thoughts.
I’ve got nothing.
Nothing strangles me with its inexplicably fierce grip.
I have tears, condemnation and negative vibes
but nothing WORTHWHILE.
But with God “nothing” is impossible.
He created everything from nothing.
He’ll use my nothing to build everything He plans for me.
That’s why…
I’ve got nothing.
I hope this poem gives a sense of hope rather than hopelessness. It took me a few days to discover what point I wanted to make with these words.
Have you ever felt like this? How did you move past that moment?
I like the way you’ve turned the poem toward hope without denying or papering over the feeling of nothingness.
I promise you the hope wasn’t there in the first version, but just because we believe the lies, it doesn’t make them true. I wanted the poem to reflect what I learned as I revised the words. As I weighed truth against how I felt, the hope emerged. It’s the truest poem I have written in many years, and it helped me process my emotions.
Thanks for reading.